[Chester LUG] Jimmy Saville have I got news for you transcript

Sun Oct 30 22:46:17 UTC 2011

http://www.screenonline.org.uk/people/id/550162/index.html

It's also been circulating the Usenet for over 10 years now.

On 30 October 2011 22:33, Michael Crilly <mrcrilly at gmail.com> wrote:

> How do we know it's fake?
>
> On 30 October 2011 19:20, Paul Williams <wilp4a at hotmail.co.uk> wrote:
>
>>  Pity.  Would have been something to see!
>>
>> ------------------------------
>> Date: Sun, 30 Oct 2011 13:46:37 +0000
>> From: marcus.jones.wxm at gmail.com
>> To: chester at mailman.lug.org.uk
>> Subject: Re: [Chester LUG] Jimmy Saville have I got news for you
>> transcript
>>
>>
>> Don't panic. It's all fake!
>>
>> On 30 October 2011 11:13, David Holden <dh at iucr.org> wrote:
>>
>> Yikes!
>>
>>
>> On 29/10/11 18:34, Paul Williams wrote:
>> > Apparently, this was actually recorded during the last series of "Have I
>> > Got
>> > News For You" when Jimmy Saville was a guest on Paul Merton's team.
>> > Incredibly, it didn't make our screens. (It seems that Mr.  Merton
>> doesn't
>> > like Mr. Saville very much)
>> >
>> > Out-take 3:09'36
>> > During the headline round:
>> > DEAYTON: You used to be a wrestler didn't you?
>> > SAVILLE: I still am.
>> > DEAYTON: Are you?
>> > SAVILLE: I'm feared in every girls' school in the country.
>> > (Audience laugh)
>> > DEAYTON: Yeah, I've heard about that.
>> > SAVILLE: What have you heard?
>> > DEAYTON: I've...
>> > MERTON: Something about a c*nt with a rancid, pus-filled cock.
>> > (Huge audience laugh; Awkward pause)
>> > SAVILLE: I advise you to wash your mouth out, my friend...
>> > MERTON: That's what she had to do! (Audience laughs)
>> > HISLOP: Weren't you leaving money in phone boxes or something?
>> > (Saville glares at him) Or have I got completely the wrong end of the...
>> > SAVILLE: (To Deayton, heavily) The question you asked was about
>> wrestling.
>> > DEAYTON: Yes. And then you mentioned girls' schools. I don't know whe...
>> > SAVILLE: Well I understood this was a comedy programme. I realise now
>> > how wrong I was. (Audience laugh)
>> > DEAYTON: So were you a professional wrestler?
>> > SAVILLE: Yes I was.
>> > DEAYTON: (To audience) Glad we got that cleared up.(Pulls face; audience
>> > giggles)
>> > HISLOP: Feared by every girls' school in the country...
>> > SAVILLE: That's right.
>> > MERTON: Due to having a rancid, pus-filled cock.(Huge audience laugh)
>> > DEAYTON: Erm...
>> > HISLOP: You're on top form tonight, Paul...
>> > SAVILLE: (Strangely) I'm...this is not what I...
>> > FLOOR MANAGER: (OOV) OK, do you...(inaudible section)...shall we, for
>> > pick-ups...
>> > MERTON: I'm terribly sorry. I don't know what came over me.
>> > SAVILLE: A pus-filled cock, I imagine. (Shocked audience laugh)
>> > MERTON: Oh, it's nice to see you joining in. We'd been waiting for you,
>> > you sad senile old shitter. (Audience appears to do double-take)
>> > DEAYTON: I think we...d-d-you you want to apologise to our guest, Paul?
>> > MERTON: Sorry, I do apologise. Sir senile old shitter, is what I meant
>> > to say.
>> > (Audience laugh; pause) Sir senile old shitter...who fucks minors.
>> > (Audience unrest)
>> > HISLOP: Sorry, I'm just looking at our lawyer again. (Waves) Hello!
>> > (Audience laughs)
>> > DEAYTON: Shall we get back on course with this, or sha...
>> > SAVILLE: I do fuck miners, that's quite correct. I have always done so.
>> > They can do the most wonderful things with cigars. The coal...
>> > MERTON: What, they stick them up your senile, pus-filled arse?
>> > (Audience laughs)
>> > FLOOR MANAGER: (OOV): Come on...I'm getting an ear-bashing here. It's...
>> > MERTON: Oh they want to continue. Sorry, I'll contain myself. Carry
>> on...
>> > DEAYTON: Right (Pause) You used to be a professional wrestler didn't
>> you?
>> > (Huge audience laugh)
>> > SAVILLE: (Calmly) I did.
>> > DEAYTON: You didn't have a nickname or anything?
>> > SAVILLE: Yes - 'Loser'. (Audience laughs)
>> > ___________________________________
>> > Out-take 4: 21'20
>> > Following a discussion about caravans:
>> > DEAYTON: Last month, Roger Moore sold his luxury caravan in Malta. Asked
>> > by the...
>> > MERTON: I visited your caravan the other week, Jimmy.
>> > SAVILLE: Did you really?
>> > MERTON: Oh yes. Interesting what you can find, if you have a bit of a
>> poke.
>> > (Audience laugh)
>> > HISLOP: He just told you, it was twelve years ago...
>> > SAVILLE: No, I lived in it for twelve years.
>> > MERTON: And fucked twelve year olds. (Audience laugh)
>> > DEAYTON: Here we go again...I'll be backstage if anyone wants me.
>> > MERTON: (Indicating Saville) That's what you said to the kids on your
>> > show, wasn't it?
>> > (Audience laugh)
>> > SAVILLE: No, they never did want me.
>> > HISLOP: Not even Sarah Cornley?
>> > SAVILLE: She was an exception.
>> > DEAYTON: Who's Sarah Cornley?
>> > SAVILLE: Sarah Cornley is...
>> > HISLOP: About fifteen grand in damages, wasn't she?
>> > (Uncertain audience laugh)
>> > SAVILLE: That's right.
>> > HISLOP: So if I was going to mention that you threatened to break her
>> > arm if she said anything...
>> > SAVILLE: You'd be very wrong. (Pause) I said I'd break both her arms.
>> > (Audience unease)
>> > MERTON: Fucking hell. I mean, you're just sitting there, all shell suit
>> > and cigar wearing those fucking...I don't know what they are.
>> > SAVILLE: Chrome-plated SC-700 sun-visors, these are. Sent to me by...
>> > MERTON: We don't give a shit. Ladies and gentlemen, Sir James Saville
>> > OBE. Jim has fixed it for me to have my arms broken. Meet this
>> > depressing old fucked up c*nt of a fucker on television who's riddled
>> > with cancer and fucking pubic lice.
>> > HISLOP: (To lawyer again) Hello! (Audience laughs)
>> > MERTON: Christ, I mean ha ha, big fucking joke - the fucking lawyers are
>> > involved, tee hee. It doesn't change anything.
>> > DEAYTON:  (Visibly out of character) Do you wanna stop, or...?
>> > MERTON: No I don't fucking want to stop. It's all shit! You'll expect a
>> > comedy walkout in a minute, won't you? I mean, big bloody joke - I'm
>> > going to quote Shakespeare in a minute, how fucking out of character.
>> > And Ian knows about football - oh my fucking sides.
>> > SAVILLE: You've never fucked anyone in your life, boy.
>> > MERTON: Oh fuck off...
>> > FLOOR MANAGER: (OOV) ...About five minutes, just to...(Phil Davey
>> enters)
>> > PHIL DAVEY: OK, well top that as they say. You're looking troubled by
>> > that, aren't you mate? I tell you, I came back from Amsterdam
>> recently...
>> > RECORDING PLACED ON STAND-BY; CUTS BACK TO CLOSE-UP OF DEAYTON
>> > AWAITING HIS CUE
>> > DEAYTON: OK. Second time lucky. (Pause) Last month, Roger Moore sold
>> > his luxury caravan in Malta. Asked by the New York Times about his
>> > relaxed acting style...
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > _______________________________________________
>> > Chester mailing list
>> > Chester at mailman.lug.org.uk
>> > https://mailman.lug.org.uk/mailman/listinfo/chester
>>
>> --
>> Dr David Holden. (dh at iucr.org)
>>
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