[Cumbria] OT: Might cheer everyone up

[Michael Saunders]

HOW TO USE AOL COMPUTER CHAT ROOMS
----------------------------------

If you've read about the fascinating world of chat rooms on the Internet,
and have an interest in computers, AOL Chat is the best place to start.
But before you dive into the fray, it's best to brush up on a few quick
tips which will make your discussions more exciting!


Vocabulary
----------

With so many chatters and discussions going on at the same time, it's
important to make yourself understood. Read and remember the following
phrases; using them will make you feel at one with the locals.

"There appears to be something wrong with my computer."
"omg lol my b0xor is teh fux0red!!!!!!111"

"I'm afraid I disagree with that point."
"u l4mer u r teh GEIGH!!!!!!111"

"Open source solutions are generally more reliable than Microsoft's."
"omfg teh M$ si sux0r i r use teh linix lololol!!!!!!1111111"

"I don't know very much about compromising secure systems."
"omg i r hax0red teh PENTAGON!!!!!!1111"


Etiquette
---------

In order to fit in to the crowd, and participate in conversations without
being shunned, there are a few practices you must become familiar with.  
Study these, and adhere to them at all times.

# Before you type each line, look at the second hand on your clock. If
it's an odd number, press the "caps lock" key. This will give your
comments an interesting and random capitalised look -- very much in vogue.

# Do not mention your wife, girlfriend or any females you happen to know.  
Your fellow chatters will invariably ask for pictures, her email address
or demand that you engineer a relationship for them. Most participants
never have contact with female humans, so always steer the topic away.

# Similarly, do not state that you have a "job". This term is alien to
most regulars, and is beyond the scope of this guide. For more
information, visit your local public library.

# Never, ever, EVER back down on any point you make. If you are banned,
make sure you have the email addresses of the other chatters, and proceed
to argue and flood their inboxes for the six months. If they are still
unresponsive to your views, subscribe them to pornography mailing lists.


Conclusion
----------

We hope this guide will make your AOL chat experience more pleasurable and
worthwhile. You'll soon be enjoying hour long conversations with a broad
range of ages (from 13 right through to 16!) on all manner of topics, from
KDE vs GNOME to Linux vs BSD and PCs vs Macs. There's something for
everyone!