[dundee] Request Made - All Light Hearted

[Kris Davidson]

Okay heres what I've got:

---* Frequently Asked Questions About My New Network Administrator *---

Many people that have newly purchased a Network Administrator either
don't understand them or need advice on how to handle one. Below are
frequently asked questions to better help you work with your new
network administrator.

Q: My network administrator seems distant, and doesn't want to
socialize with the other workers.

A: NAs are private beings that interact best in Internet chat rooms
and e-mail rather then on a more personal level. Just give your NA
some space and he or she might come to you on their own. It may also
be that your NA is lonely or exhausted. If after a year your, NA still
doesn't fit in, try hiring another one.

Q: My network administrator constantly insults the other workers.

A: It is never a NA intention to purposely insult a co-worker. It is
just there are many times when your NA is working on several issues at
once, (a thing that we like to call, multi-tasking) and the section of
their brain that is responsible for pleasantries is pre-occupied with
running the network, all the servers, the workstations, website, mail
servers, SQL server, hubs, switches, routers, and the backing up of
mission critical data. And when someone interrupts their train of
thought by asking a stupid question, a NA responds the best way he or
she can without actually strangling you to death.

Q: My network administrator doesn't seem to have a penis?

A: Ah, do not be concerned. If your NA doesn't have a penis, it is
most likely that you have purchased a female model. Do not let this
alarm you! You can treat her exactly the same as if she did have a
penis. If however, the absence of a johnson is just too confusing for
you, you may order replacement parts or an add-on. However, we don't
recommend that you do this as it will most likely slow down, even
retard your unit.

Q: My network administrator doesn't want to spend his or her days off
repairing home computers.

A: Network administrators are very selfish with their free time, days
off and vacations. A lot of managers don't understand this and are
often confused by the unwillingness of a NA to repair co-worker's home
computers on the weekends...what was your question again.

Q: My network administrator has access to important company data and
e-mail. Should I be concerned that he or she might use this data
against me or my company at a later date?

A: This is a common concern with many owners of a network
administrator. Understand that a network administrator is a
professional and only handles your data and never looks at it.
However, there have been some isolated cases where some network
administrators have malfunctioned as a result of being replaced with
overseas replacement workers or laid-off due to failing to report
correct corporate earners to the government. And yes it is true that
many of these "disgruntled" network administrators helped lead
government investigators to hidden corporate data. But this doesn't
mean it can happen to you. Providing that you haven't been guilty of
any of the above actions.

Q: How should I manage my Network Administrator?

A: NA need little managing. The difficulties with trying to manage a
NA is that most managers know nothing about computers, networks or
well anything technical. So to try and manage a person that has a far
more superior brain than your own, would be insane. Our best advice to
you is; let your NA do his or her job without interfering. Your
company will be better for it.

Q: My NA uses words and a language that I find difficult to understand.

A: NA are trained in a language different than the one you were taught
to use in your communications, liberal arts class, or that MBA. NA
speaks in acronyms and only use the 0 and 1s in numbers. This is why
purchasing a 10K piece of computer equipment doesn't seem that
unreasonable. If you are having troubling understanding your NA, just
ask him or her to explain what they are talking about. NAs are always
willing to explain terms. Although, be prepared to feel stupid.

Q: My NA dresses different than the rest of us?

A: Your NA has a very good understanding of the importance of
corporate appearances. IBM, Ford and Microsoft have all realized that
people work better when they can dress however they want. Your NA is
simply dressing the way that he or she can better perform their
duties.

A: My NA won't address me by my title, and doesn't seem to respect me?

Q: Sadly you speak the truth; your NA doesn't respect you. Many
managers believe themselves to be on a higher level than a computer
genius. If you can't correctly program your home VCR to stop flashing
12:00 every time your power goes out than how can you really expect
your NA to respect you?

Q: My NA repeatedly touches himself and it makes the other staff
members uncomfortable?

A: If your NA repeatedly touches his or her genitals in public it
could mean that your NA contracted cyber herpes. If this is the case
it should be treated immediately. It also falls within Plan B of your
company medical benefits.

Q: My NA eats the other workers lunches in the company refrigerator.

A: This is a common complaint and one that you should address
immediately. Network administrators that eat out of the company
refrigerator can contract dysentery and sever stomach ulcers. If this
is happening to you, make sure your NA takes a lunch break either off
site or in his or her office behind a shut door without being
disturbed.

Q: My NA is writing a book, reading the news on the Internet, playing
computer games, talking to friends on the phone and building paper
machete statues from the magazines of computer parts companies.

A: Don't worry. If your NA is doing all of this, it is because he or
she is happy and considers the workplace their home. This is most
likely contributed to them spending more time at work than at home.
Many NAs may not even remember they have a real home. If this type of
behavior bothers you than it is recommended that you hire another NA
so your current one can go home.

Q: My NA did something good, but I don't know how to reward him or
her, so I did nothing?
A: If your NA is constantly doing good things for you and your
company, here are a few recommended ways to show your appreciation:

        ·Show him or her some respect

        ·Compliment your NA from time to time to show you care

        ·Be a little understanding when your NA works all night, goes
home at 8AM and tries to get a little sleep before coming back at
noon.

        ·Money: NA always view a raise or bonus as a sign you appreciate them.

Q: My NA did something bad, and I want to punish him.

        ·Don't. 30 years of psychological research has shown that
punishing your NA will have sever long-term effects on how and when
the government audits your company.

        ·Don't be afraid to apologize if you're wrong.

        ·Don't jump to conclusions because in most cases you don't
know what the hell you are talking about.

        ·Don't leave your banking account number or social security
number on your computer.

        ·Don't have an inter office affair. Your NA will always know.
And mostly likely, he is sleeping with her too.

Q: I can't believe that my NA is worth what I am paying him or her?

A: Imagine what your company would be like if all your computers
suddenly stopped working and no one could perform their daily duties.
Ask yourself, how many people depend on their computers and database
to do their jobs? Now, how much more would you be willing to pay to
make all of that happen again? Allot more, uh?

Q: My network administrator makes obscure and meaningless jokes that
no one else understands?

A: Ah, this is a tough one. Don't try to understand the humor of a NA
and don't ask them to explain the joke. You have a better chance
understanding how hydrogen is boiled off a star than you would
understanding the humor of a network administrator. No, a star like
the Sun, not like the movies.

Q: Where do I return my network administrator if he or she doesn't work out?

A: Remember, you don't own a network administrator. They perform a
necessary function that keeps your company running. If not for the
network administrator you would still be using paper ledgers and
abacuses.

---* Computer Problem Report Form *---

 1.  Describe your problem:

 2.  Now, describe the problem accurately:

 3.  Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:

 4.  Problem Severity:

	A.  Minor__
	B.  Minor__
	C.  Minor__
	D. Trivial__

 5.  Nature of the problem:

	A.  Locked Up__
	B.  Frozen__
	C.  Hung__
	D.  Strange Smell__

 6.  Is your computer plugged in?  Yes__ No__

 7.  Is it turned on?  Yes__ No__

 8.  Have you tried to fix it yourself?  Yes__ No__

 9.  Have you made it worse?  Yes__

10. Have you had "a friend" who  "Knows all about computers" try to fix
it for you?  Yes__  No__

11.  Did they make it even worse?  Yes__

12.  Have you read the manual?  Yes__ No__

13.  Are you sure you've read the manual?  Maybe__ No__

14.  Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual?   No__

15.  If you read the manual, do you think you understood it?  Yes__ No__

16.  If 'Yes' then explain why you can't fix the problem yourself.

17.  What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred?

l8.  If you answered 'nothing' then explain why you were logged in?

l9.  Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem?  Yes__ No__

20.  Does the clock on your home VCR blink 12:00?  Yes__ What's a VCR?__

21.  Do you have a copy of 'PCs for Dummies'?  Yes__ No__

22.  Do you have any independent witnesses to the problem?  Yes__ No__

23.  Do you have any electronics products that DO work?  Yes__ No__

24.  Is there anyone else you could blame this problem on?  Yes__ No__

25.  Have you given the machine a good whack on the top?  Yes__ No__

26.  Is the machine on fire?  Yes__ Not Yet__

27.  Can you do something else instead of bothering me?  Yes__


I've got more but didn't want to flood.

Kris