[Ryedale] If Operating Systems Ran The Airlines

[Al Girling]

Hi folks,

This just in from an OSX using friend.  I think it's pretty close
myself, should have gone with Debian airways rather than Gentoo though.


> If Operating Systems Ran The Airlines
> ============ ========= ========= =======
> 
> Vax VMS Airways.
> The planes they bought were reliable, never crashed and couldn't be
> hijacked. The tickets were reasonably priced. Staff were
> approachable, helpful and informative. Every service, and more, that
> you could need was available. Everything from check-in, baggage
> handling, to take-off, landing and baggage collection worked
> seamlessly. With the introduction of RAID technology, baggage was
> never lost.
> 
> They were bought out by a manufacture of planes for Windows Air, and
> the nightmare began.
> 
> UNIX Airways
> Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the
> airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together
> piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are
> supposed to be building.
> 
> Air DOS
> Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and
> let the plane coast until it hits the ground again. Then they push
> again, jump on again, and so on...
> 
> Mac Airlines
> All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look
> and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details,
> you are gently but firmly told that you don't need to know, don't want
> to know, and everything will be done for you without your ever having
> to know, so just shut up.
> 
> Windows Air
> The terminal is pretty and colourful, with friendly stewards, easy
> baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After about 10
> minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.
> 
> Windows NT Air
> Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger planes, and
> takes out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius when it
> explodes.
> 
> Windows XP Air
> You turn up at the airport,which is under contract to only allow XP
> Air planes. All the aircraft are identical, brightly coloured and
> three times as big as they need to be. The signs are huge and all
> point the same way. Whichever way you go, someone pops up dressed in a
> cloak and pointed hat insisting you follow him. Your luggage and
> clothes are taken off you and replaced with an XP Air suit and
> suitcase identical to everyone around you as this is included in the
> exorbitant ticket cost. The aircraft will not take off until you have
> signed a contract. The inflight entertainment promised turns out to be
> the same Mickey Mouse cartoon repeated over and over again. You have
> to phone your travel agent before you can have a meal or drink. You
> are searched regularly throughout the flight. If you go to the toilet
> twice or more you get charged for a new ticket. No matter what
> destination you booked you will always end up crash landing at
> Whistler in Canada.
> 
> OSX Air
> You enter a white terminal, and all you can see is a woman sitting in
> the corner behind a white desk, you walk up to get your ticket. She
> smiles and says "Welcome to OS X Air, please allow us to take your
> picture", at which point a camera in the wall you didn't notice before
> takes your picture. "Thank you, here is your ticket" You are handed a
> minimalistic ticket with your picture at the top, it already has all
> of your information. A door opens to your right and you walk through.
> You enter a wide open space with one seat in the middle, you sit,
> listen to music and watch movies until the end of the flight. You
> never see any of the other passengers. You land, get off, and you say
> to yourself "wow, that was really nice, but I feel like something was
> missing"
> 
> Windows Vista Airlines
> You enter a good looking terminal with the largest planes you have
> ever seen. Every 10 feet a security officer appears and asks you if
> you are "sure" you want to continue walking to your plane and if you
> would like to cancel. Not sure what cancel would do, you continue
> walking and ask the agent at the desk why the planes are so big. After
> the security officer making sure you want to ask the question and you
> want to hear the answer, the agent replies that they are bigger
> because it makes customers feel better, but the planes are designed to
> fly twice as slow. Adding the size helped achieve the slow fly goal.
> 
> Once on the plane, every passenger has to be asked individually by the
> flight attendants if they are sure they want to take this flight. Then
> it is company policy that the captain asks the passengers collectively
> the same thing. After answering yes to so many questions, you are
> punched in the face by some stranger who when he asked "Are you sure
> you want me to punch you in the face? Cancel or Allow?" you
> instinctively say "Allow".
> 
> After takeoff, the pilots realize that the landing gear driver wasn't
> updated to work with the new plane. Therefore it is always stuck in
> the down position. This forces the plane to fly even slower, but the
> pilots are used to it and continue to fly the planes, hoping that soon
> the landing gear manufacturer will give out a landing gear driver
> update.
> 
> You arrive at your destination wishing you had used your reward miles
> with XP airlines rather than trying out this new carrier. A close
> friend, after hearing your story, mentions that Linux Air is a much
> better alternative and helps.
> 
> Linux Air
> Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start
> their own airline. They build the planes, ticket counters, and pave
> the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of
> printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket
> yourself.
> 
> When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench
> and a copy of the seat-HOWTO.html. Once settled, the fully adjustable
> seat is very comfortable, the plane leaves and arrives on time without
> a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell
> customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all they can
> say is, "You had to do what with the seat?"

-- 
Al Girling

Linux User: #290080             <http://counter.li.org>
Home-page:                      <http://al.sdf-eu.org>