[Sussex] Your call up papers

[Andrew Guard]

To all UK citizens over the age of 16 and under the age of 65:

Under the Emergency Powers Act (1939) as amended by the Defence Act (1977),
you are hereby notified that you are required to place yourself on standby
for possible compulsory military service in the American Conflict. You may
shortly be ordered to depart for the Middle East where you will join either
the 3rd Battalion The Queen's Own Suicidal Conscripts or the 2nd Foot and
Mouth. The regulars are too busy driving Green Godesses to be there
themselves.

Due to the recent rundown of the Navy and the refusal of P&O to lend us any
of their liners, because of the deplorable state in which they were returned
after the Falklands adventure, it will be necessary for you to make your own
way to the combat zone.

H.M. Government have been able to negotiate a 20% discount on one way trips
with Virgin Airlines and you are strongly urged to take advantage of this
offer (RyanAir also do a nice little trip).

Because of cutbacks in Government expenditure in recent years it will be
necessary for you to provide yourself with the following equipment as soon
as possible:

 * Combat Jacket
 * Trousers(preferably khaki - but please no denim)
 * Tin helmet
 * Boots (or a pair of sturdy trainers)
 * Gas mask
 * Map of the combat zone (the Ordinance Survey 1:2800 Outdoor Leisure Map
of Iraq will do)
 * Rifle
 * Ammunition (preferably to suit previous item)
 * Suntan oil

If you are in a position to afford it, we would like you to buy a tank
(Vickers Defence of Banbury are currently offering all new conscripts a 0%
finance deal on all X registration Chieftains, but hurry, as offer is only
available whilst stocks last).

We would like to reassure you that in the unlikely event of anything going
wrong, you will receive a free burial in the graveyard of your choice, and
your next of kin will be entitled to the new War Widows pension of £5 per
calendar month, index-linked but subject to means testing, and fully
repayable should our side eventually lose.

There may be little time for formal military training before your departure
and so we advise that you hire videos of the following films and try and
pick up a few tips as you watch:

 * The Guns of Navarone
 * Kelly's Heroes
 * A Bridge to Far
 * The Longest Day
 * Apocalypse Now
 * The Matrix
 * Blazing Saddles
 * The Desert Song
 * Mary Poppins

We do not recommend that you watch Khartoum.

To mentally prepare yourself for your mission try reading the works of
Wilfred Owen or Rupert Brookes. This should give you some idea of what may
be involved.

 Yours faithfully,

 G Hoon, Ministry of Defence.

 A satan - My hero Production

 Sponsored by Mars, The Official snack of World War III