[SWLUG] OT: Gurnos Olympics joke email

[Andrew Jenkins]

Here You Go.....................

Did you know that Merthyr had put a bid in for the Olympics? Here is a 
section of their bid that was leaked from the IOC...

OPENING CEREMONY
The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown into the arena 
by a native of the Gurnos area, wearing the traditional costume of 
balaclava and shell suit.

THE EVENTS
In previous Olympics Merthyr's competitors have not been particularly 
successful. In order to redress the balance some of the events have been 
altered slightly to the advantage of the local athletes:

100 METRES SPRINT
Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and a microwave oven (one 
under each arm) and on the sound of a starting pistol a police dog will 
be released 10 metres behind the athletes.

110 METRES HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles, ie car bonnets, hedges, gardens, 
fences, walls etc.

HAMMER
The competitors will be allowed to make a choice of hammer, (Claw, 
Sledge etc). The winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous 
bodily harm to members of the public within their allotted time.

WEIGHTLIFTING
 From a standing position competitors will have various electronic goods 
placed in their arms. In order to complete a lift these must then be 
taken through the shop door and placed in a mate's van.

FENCING
Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen jewellery as 
possible within five minutes.

SHOOTING
A series of targets will be set up to establish the competitor's ability 
over a range of disciplines The targets to be as follows: 1 - A Moving 
Police Van 2 - A Post Office Clerk 3 - A Bank Teller or Securicor Driver 
4 - Their next door neighbours youngest child NB - This target to be 
followed by the ritual cry of 'I thought he was a Pig' or 'He pulled a 
knife on me'.

BOXING
Entry to be restricted to husband and wife teams and will take place on 
every Friday and Saturday night of the games. The husband will be give 
15 pints of Stella and the wife will be told not to make him any tea 
when he gets home. The bout will then commence.

CYCLING TIME TRIALS
Competitors will be asked to break into Merthyr College's bike shed and 
take an expensive mountain bike owned by some Mummy's Boy from the 
country on his first trip away from home - Against the clock.

CYCLING PURSUIT
As above however this time the break in must occur at Merthyr Police 
Station and must be witnessed by an officer.

TIME TRIAL
The competitor who can waste the most of the court's valuable time 
before being found guilty will be adjudged the winner.

MODERN PENTATHLON
Amended to include mugging, breaking & entering, flashing, joyriding and 
arson.

THE MARATHON
A safe route has yet to be decided, but the competitors will be issued 
with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up dog shit, crisp packets 
and used hypodermic syringes on their way round.

MEN'S 50Km WALK
Q - Why does the Taff run through Merthyr?
A - Because if it walked it would get mugged. Therefore for safety 
reasons this event has been cancelled.

RELAY
Each of four competitors to remove an appliance of their choice from a 
house in Cardiff and get it back to Merthyr using at least four 
different stolen cars.

ARCHERY
Each competitor will be given three needles, the winner will be the 
person who gets nearest to three different main veins in their own body.

DISCUS
Will be decided by which contestant can get a hubcap off a car and throw 
it to his mate the fastest. In addition the following 'exhibition 
events' designed at promoting the local culture will be introduced.

PILLOW EATING
The contestant who can get the most pillow in their mouth after their 18 
stone cellmate takes a shine to them will be adjudged the winner.

GRAFFITI
To be decided on who can spray the most obscenities on a neighbour's 
wall in five minutes - NB In order not to disadvantage local competitors 
marks will not be deducted for misspelling.

BASEBALL
Each competitor to be given a stainless steel baseball bat. Last person 
standing wins.

CLOSING CEREMONY
In an attempt to capture the timeless beauty of Merttyr, competitors 
from every nation will be chased across Carfarthyr Park by Knife 
wielding locals.

They will then scatter to the four corners of the town to find their car 
aerial ripped off, driver side window broken and stereo liberated, with 
no sign of the lad who charged 50p 'to look after their motor'.

Their assailants will return to the park providing a riot of colour and 
sound as their shell suits converge. The Olympic flame (if still in 
place) will be extinguished by eight chavs forming a circle and pissing 
on it.

The closing speech will consist of the words 'Everyone in Merthyr's a 
natural comedian you know' . No-one will laugh. Each visitor will be 
hugged on exiting the stadium and will return home to find their wallet 
missing.