[Chester LUG] Jimmy Saville have I got news for you transcript

[David Holden]

Yikes!


On 29/10/11 18:34, Paul Williams wrote:
> Apparently, this was actually recorded during the last series of "Have I
> Got
> News For You" when Jimmy Saville was a guest on Paul Merton's team.
> Incredibly, it didn't make our screens. (It seems that Mr.  Merton doesn't
> like Mr. Saville very much)
> 
> Out-take 3:09'36
> During the headline round:
> DEAYTON: You used to be a wrestler didn't you?
> SAVILLE: I still am.
> DEAYTON: Are you?
> SAVILLE: I'm feared in every girls' school in the country.
> (Audience laugh)
> DEAYTON: Yeah, I've heard about that.
> SAVILLE: What have you heard?
> DEAYTON: I've...
> MERTON: Something about a c*nt with a rancid, pus-filled cock.
> (Huge audience laugh; Awkward pause)
> SAVILLE: I advise you to wash your mouth out, my friend...
> MERTON: That's what she had to do! (Audience laughs)
> HISLOP: Weren't you leaving money in phone boxes or something?
> (Saville glares at him) Or have I got completely the wrong end of the...
> SAVILLE: (To Deayton, heavily) The question you asked was about wrestling.
> DEAYTON: Yes. And then you mentioned girls' schools. I don't know whe...
> SAVILLE: Well I understood this was a comedy programme. I realise now
> how wrong I was. (Audience laugh)
> DEAYTON: So were you a professional wrestler?
> SAVILLE: Yes I was.
> DEAYTON: (To audience) Glad we got that cleared up.(Pulls face; audience
> giggles)
> HISLOP: Feared by every girls' school in the country...
> SAVILLE: That's right.
> MERTON: Due to having a rancid, pus-filled cock.(Huge audience laugh)
> DEAYTON: Erm...
> HISLOP: You're on top form tonight, Paul...
> SAVILLE: (Strangely) I'm...this is not what I...
> FLOOR MANAGER: (OOV) OK, do you...(inaudible section)...shall we, for
> pick-ups...
> MERTON: I'm terribly sorry. I don't know what came over me.
> SAVILLE: A pus-filled cock, I imagine. (Shocked audience laugh)
> MERTON: Oh, it's nice to see you joining in. We'd been waiting for you,
> you sad senile old shitter. (Audience appears to do double-take)
> DEAYTON: I think we...d-d-you you want to apologise to our guest, Paul?
> MERTON: Sorry, I do apologise. Sir senile old shitter, is what I meant
> to say.
> (Audience laugh; pause) Sir senile old shitter...who fucks minors.
> (Audience unrest)
> HISLOP: Sorry, I'm just looking at our lawyer again. (Waves) Hello!
> (Audience laughs)
> DEAYTON: Shall we get back on course with this, or sha...
> SAVILLE: I do fuck miners, that's quite correct. I have always done so.
> They can do the most wonderful things with cigars. The coal...
> MERTON: What, they stick them up your senile, pus-filled arse?
> (Audience laughs)
> FLOOR MANAGER: (OOV): Come on...I'm getting an ear-bashing here. It's...
> MERTON: Oh they want to continue. Sorry, I'll contain myself. Carry on...
> DEAYTON: Right (Pause) You used to be a professional wrestler didn't you?
> (Huge audience laugh)
> SAVILLE: (Calmly) I did.
> DEAYTON: You didn't have a nickname or anything?
> SAVILLE: Yes - 'Loser'. (Audience laughs)
> ___________________________________
> Out-take 4: 21'20
> Following a discussion about caravans:
> DEAYTON: Last month, Roger Moore sold his luxury caravan in Malta. Asked
> by the...
> MERTON: I visited your caravan the other week, Jimmy.
> SAVILLE: Did you really?
> MERTON: Oh yes. Interesting what you can find, if you have a bit of a poke.
> (Audience laugh)
> HISLOP: He just told you, it was twelve years ago...
> SAVILLE: No, I lived in it for twelve years.
> MERTON: And fucked twelve year olds. (Audience laugh)
> DEAYTON: Here we go again...I'll be backstage if anyone wants me.
> MERTON: (Indicating Saville) That's what you said to the kids on your
> show, wasn't it?
> (Audience laugh)
> SAVILLE: No, they never did want me.
> HISLOP: Not even Sarah Cornley?
> SAVILLE: She was an exception.
> DEAYTON: Who's Sarah Cornley?
> SAVILLE: Sarah Cornley is...
> HISLOP: About fifteen grand in damages, wasn't she?
> (Uncertain audience laugh)
> SAVILLE: That's right.
> HISLOP: So if I was going to mention that you threatened to break her
> arm if she said anything...
> SAVILLE: You'd be very wrong. (Pause) I said I'd break both her arms.
> (Audience unease)
> MERTON: Fucking hell. I mean, you're just sitting there, all shell suit
> and cigar wearing those fucking...I don't know what they are.
> SAVILLE: Chrome-plated SC-700 sun-visors, these are. Sent to me by...
> MERTON: We don't give a shit. Ladies and gentlemen, Sir James Saville
> OBE. Jim has fixed it for me to have my arms broken. Meet this
> depressing old fucked up c*nt of a fucker on television who's riddled
> with cancer and fucking pubic lice.
> HISLOP: (To lawyer again) Hello! (Audience laughs)
> MERTON: Christ, I mean ha ha, big fucking joke - the fucking lawyers are
> involved, tee hee. It doesn't change anything.
> DEAYTON:  (Visibly out of character) Do you wanna stop, or...?
> MERTON: No I don't fucking want to stop. It's all shit! You'll expect a
> comedy walkout in a minute, won't you? I mean, big bloody joke - I'm
> going to quote Shakespeare in a minute, how fucking out of character.
> And Ian knows about football - oh my fucking sides.
> SAVILLE: You've never fucked anyone in your life, boy.
> MERTON: Oh fuck off...
> FLOOR MANAGER: (OOV) ...About five minutes, just to...(Phil Davey enters)
> PHIL DAVEY: OK, well top that as they say. You're looking troubled by
> that, aren't you mate? I tell you, I came back from Amsterdam recently...
> RECORDING PLACED ON STAND-BY; CUTS BACK TO CLOSE-UP OF DEAYTON
> AWAITING HIS CUE
> DEAYTON: OK. Second time lucky. (Pause) Last month, Roger Moore sold 
> his luxury caravan in Malta. Asked by the New York Times about his
> relaxed acting style...
> 
> 
> 
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-- 
Dr David Holden. (dh at iucr.org)