[Chester LUG] Jimmy Saville have I got news for you transcript

[Paul Williams]

Apparently, this was actually recorded during the last series of "Have I Got 
News For You" when Jimmy Saville was a guest on Paul Merton's team. 
Incredibly, it didn't make our screens. (It seems that Mr.  Merton doesn't 
like Mr. Saville very much) 

Out-take 3:09'36 
During the headline round: 
DEAYTON: You used to be a wrestler didn't you? 
SAVILLE: I still am. 
DEAYTON: Are you? 
SAVILLE: I'm feared in every girls' school in the country. 
(Audience laugh) 
DEAYTON: Yeah, I've heard about that. 
SAVILLE: What have you heard? 
DEAYTON: I've... 
MERTON: Something about a c*nt with a rancid, pus-filled cock. 
(Huge audience laugh; Awkward pause) 
SAVILLE: I advise you to wash your mouth out, my friend... 
MERTON: That's what she had to do! (Audience laughs) 
HISLOP: Weren't you leaving money in phone boxes or something? 
(Saville glares at him) Or have I got completely the wrong end of the... 
SAVILLE: (To Deayton, heavily) The question you asked was about wrestling. 
DEAYTON: Yes. And then you mentioned girls' schools. I don't know whe... 
SAVILLE: Well I understood this was a comedy programme. I realise now how wrong I was. (Audience laugh) 
DEAYTON: So were you a professional wrestler? 
SAVILLE: Yes I was. 
DEAYTON: (To audience) Glad we got that cleared up.(Pulls face; audience giggles) 
HISLOP: Feared by every girls' school in the country... 
SAVILLE: That's right. 
MERTON: Due to having a rancid, pus-filled cock.(Huge audience laugh) 
DEAYTON: Erm... 
HISLOP: You're on top form tonight, Paul... 
SAVILLE: (Strangely) I'm...this is not what I... 
FLOOR MANAGER: (OOV) OK, do you...(inaudible section)...shall we, for pick-ups... 
MERTON: I'm terribly sorry. I don't know what came over me. 
SAVILLE: A pus-filled cock, I imagine. (Shocked audience laugh) 
MERTON:
 Oh, it's nice to see you joining in. We'd been waiting for you, you sad
 senile old shitter. (Audience appears to do double-take) 
DEAYTON: I think we...d-d-you you want to apologise to our guest, Paul? 
MERTON: Sorry, I do apologise. Sir senile old shitter, is what I meant to say.
(Audience laugh; pause) Sir senile old shitter...who fucks minors. 
(Audience unrest) 
HISLOP: Sorry, I'm just looking at our lawyer again. (Waves) Hello! 
(Audience laughs) 
DEAYTON: Shall we get back on course with this, or sha... 
SAVILLE:
 I do fuck miners, that's quite correct. I have always done so. They can
 do the most wonderful things with cigars. The coal... 
MERTON: What, they stick them up your senile, pus-filled arse? 
(Audience laughs) 
FLOOR MANAGER: (OOV): Come on...I'm getting an ear-bashing here. It's... 
MERTON: Oh they want to continue. Sorry, I'll contain myself. Carry on... 
DEAYTON: Right (Pause) You used to be a professional wrestler didn't you? 
(Huge audience laugh) 
SAVILLE: (Calmly) I did. 
DEAYTON: You didn't have a nickname or anything? 
SAVILLE: Yes - 'Loser'. (Audience laughs) 
___________________________________ 
Out-take 4: 21'20 
Following a discussion about caravans: 
DEAYTON: Last month, Roger Moore sold his luxury caravan in Malta. Asked by the... 
MERTON: I visited your caravan the other week, Jimmy. 
SAVILLE: Did you really? 
MERTON: Oh yes. Interesting what you can find, if you have a bit of a poke. 
(Audience laugh) 
HISLOP: He just told you, it was twelve years ago... 
SAVILLE: No, I lived in it for twelve years. 
MERTON: And fucked twelve year olds. (Audience laugh) 
DEAYTON: Here we go again...I'll be backstage if anyone wants me. 
MERTON: (Indicating Saville) That's what you said to the kids on your show, wasn't it? 
(Audience laugh) 
SAVILLE: No, they never did want me. 
HISLOP: Not even Sarah Cornley? 
SAVILLE: She was an exception. 
DEAYTON: Who's Sarah Cornley? 
SAVILLE: Sarah Cornley is... 
HISLOP: About fifteen grand in damages, wasn't she? 
(Uncertain audience laugh) 
SAVILLE: That's right. 
HISLOP: So if I was going to mention that you threatened to break her arm if she said anything... 
SAVILLE: You'd be very wrong. (Pause) I said I'd break both her arms. 
(Audience unease) 
MERTON:
 Fucking hell. I mean, you're just sitting there, all shell suit and 
cigar wearing those fucking...I don't know what they are. 
SAVILLE: Chrome-plated SC-700 sun-visors, these are. Sent to me by... 
MERTON:
 We don't give a shit. Ladies and gentlemen, Sir James Saville OBE. Jim 
has fixed it for me to have my arms broken. Meet this depressing old 
fucked up c*nt of a fucker on television who's riddled with cancer and 
fucking pubic lice. 
HISLOP: (To lawyer again) Hello! (Audience laughs) 
MERTON: Christ, I mean ha ha, big fucking joke - the fucking lawyers are involved, tee hee. It doesn't change anything. 
DEAYTON:  (Visibly out of character) Do you wanna stop, or...? 
MERTON:
 No I don't fucking want to stop. It's all shit! You'll expect a comedy 
walkout in a minute, won't you? I mean, big bloody joke - I'm going to 
quote Shakespeare in a minute, how fucking out of character. And Ian 
knows about football - oh my fucking sides. 
SAVILLE: You've never fucked anyone in your life, boy. 
MERTON: Oh fuck off... 
FLOOR MANAGER: (OOV) ...About five minutes, just to...(Phil Davey enters) 
PHIL
 DAVEY: OK, well top that as they say. You're looking troubled by that, 
aren't you mate? I tell you, I came back from Amsterdam recently... 
RECORDING PLACED ON STAND-BY; CUTS BACK TO CLOSE-UP OF DEAYTON 
AWAITING HIS CUE 
DEAYTON:
 OK. Second time lucky. (Pause) Last month, Roger Moore sold  his luxury
 caravan in Malta. Asked by the New York Times about his relaxed acting 
style...  		 	   		  
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