[Chester LUG] Jimmy Saville have I got news for you transcript

[Paul Williams]

Pity.  Would have been something to see!

Date: Sun, 30 Oct 2011 13:46:37 +0000
From: marcus.jones.wxm at gmail.com
To: chester at mailman.lug.org.uk
Subject: Re: [Chester LUG] Jimmy Saville have I got news for you transcript

Don't panic. It's all fake!

On 30 October 2011 11:13, David Holden <dh at iucr.org> wrote:

Yikes!





On 29/10/11 18:34, Paul Williams wrote:

> Apparently, this was actually recorded during the last series of "Have I

> Got

> News For You" when Jimmy Saville was a guest on Paul Merton's team.

> Incredibly, it didn't make our screens. (It seems that Mr.  Merton doesn't

> like Mr. Saville very much)

>

> Out-take 3:09'36

> During the headline round:

> DEAYTON: You used to be a wrestler didn't you?

> SAVILLE: I still am.

> DEAYTON: Are you?

> SAVILLE: I'm feared in every girls' school in the country.

> (Audience laugh)

> DEAYTON: Yeah, I've heard about that.

> SAVILLE: What have you heard?

> DEAYTON: I've...

> MERTON: Something about a c*nt with a rancid, pus-filled cock.

> (Huge audience laugh; Awkward pause)

> SAVILLE: I advise you to wash your mouth out, my friend...

> MERTON: That's what she had to do! (Audience laughs)

> HISLOP: Weren't you leaving money in phone boxes or something?

> (Saville glares at him) Or have I got completely the wrong end of the...

> SAVILLE: (To Deayton, heavily) The question you asked was about wrestling.

> DEAYTON: Yes. And then you mentioned girls' schools. I don't know whe...

> SAVILLE: Well I understood this was a comedy programme. I realise now

> how wrong I was. (Audience laugh)

> DEAYTON: So were you a professional wrestler?

> SAVILLE: Yes I was.

> DEAYTON: (To audience) Glad we got that cleared up.(Pulls face; audience

> giggles)

> HISLOP: Feared by every girls' school in the country...

> SAVILLE: That's right.

> MERTON: Due to having a rancid, pus-filled cock.(Huge audience laugh)

> DEAYTON: Erm...

> HISLOP: You're on top form tonight, Paul...

> SAVILLE: (Strangely) I'm...this is not what I...

> FLOOR MANAGER: (OOV) OK, do you...(inaudible section)...shall we, for

> pick-ups...

> MERTON: I'm terribly sorry. I don't know what came over me.

> SAVILLE: A pus-filled cock, I imagine. (Shocked audience laugh)

> MERTON: Oh, it's nice to see you joining in. We'd been waiting for you,

> you sad senile old shitter. (Audience appears to do double-take)

> DEAYTON: I think we...d-d-you you want to apologise to our guest, Paul?

> MERTON: Sorry, I do apologise. Sir senile old shitter, is what I meant

> to say.

> (Audience laugh; pause) Sir senile old shitter...who fucks minors.

> (Audience unrest)

> HISLOP: Sorry, I'm just looking at our lawyer again. (Waves) Hello!

> (Audience laughs)

> DEAYTON: Shall we get back on course with this, or sha...

> SAVILLE: I do fuck miners, that's quite correct. I have always done so.

> They can do the most wonderful things with cigars. The coal...

> MERTON: What, they stick them up your senile, pus-filled arse?

> (Audience laughs)

> FLOOR MANAGER: (OOV): Come on...I'm getting an ear-bashing here. It's...

> MERTON: Oh they want to continue. Sorry, I'll contain myself. Carry on...

> DEAYTON: Right (Pause) You used to be a professional wrestler didn't you?

> (Huge audience laugh)

> SAVILLE: (Calmly) I did.

> DEAYTON: You didn't have a nickname or anything?

> SAVILLE: Yes - 'Loser'. (Audience laughs)

> ___________________________________

> Out-take 4: 21'20

> Following a discussion about caravans:

> DEAYTON: Last month, Roger Moore sold his luxury caravan in Malta. Asked

> by the...

> MERTON: I visited your caravan the other week, Jimmy.

> SAVILLE: Did you really?

> MERTON: Oh yes. Interesting what you can find, if you have a bit of a poke.

> (Audience laugh)

> HISLOP: He just told you, it was twelve years ago...

> SAVILLE: No, I lived in it for twelve years.

> MERTON: And fucked twelve year olds. (Audience laugh)

> DEAYTON: Here we go again...I'll be backstage if anyone wants me.

> MERTON: (Indicating Saville) That's what you said to the kids on your

> show, wasn't it?

> (Audience laugh)

> SAVILLE: No, they never did want me.

> HISLOP: Not even Sarah Cornley?

> SAVILLE: She was an exception.

> DEAYTON: Who's Sarah Cornley?

> SAVILLE: Sarah Cornley is...

> HISLOP: About fifteen grand in damages, wasn't she?

> (Uncertain audience laugh)

> SAVILLE: That's right.

> HISLOP: So if I was going to mention that you threatened to break her

> arm if she said anything...

> SAVILLE: You'd be very wrong. (Pause) I said I'd break both her arms.

> (Audience unease)

> MERTON: Fucking hell. I mean, you're just sitting there, all shell suit

> and cigar wearing those fucking...I don't know what they are.

> SAVILLE: Chrome-plated SC-700 sun-visors, these are. Sent to me by...

> MERTON: We don't give a shit. Ladies and gentlemen, Sir James Saville

> OBE. Jim has fixed it for me to have my arms broken. Meet this

> depressing old fucked up c*nt of a fucker on television who's riddled

> with cancer and fucking pubic lice.

> HISLOP: (To lawyer again) Hello! (Audience laughs)

> MERTON: Christ, I mean ha ha, big fucking joke - the fucking lawyers are

> involved, tee hee. It doesn't change anything.

> DEAYTON:  (Visibly out of character) Do you wanna stop, or...?

> MERTON: No I don't fucking want to stop. It's all shit! You'll expect a

> comedy walkout in a minute, won't you? I mean, big bloody joke - I'm

> going to quote Shakespeare in a minute, how fucking out of character.

> And Ian knows about football - oh my fucking sides.

> SAVILLE: You've never fucked anyone in your life, boy.

> MERTON: Oh fuck off...

> FLOOR MANAGER: (OOV) ...About five minutes, just to...(Phil Davey enters)

> PHIL DAVEY: OK, well top that as they say. You're looking troubled by

> that, aren't you mate? I tell you, I came back from Amsterdam recently...

> RECORDING PLACED ON STAND-BY; CUTS BACK TO CLOSE-UP OF DEAYTON

> AWAITING HIS CUE

> DEAYTON: OK. Second time lucky. (Pause) Last month, Roger Moore sold

> his luxury caravan in Malta. Asked by the New York Times about his

> relaxed acting style...

>

>

>

> _______________________________________________

> Chester mailing list

> Chester at mailman.lug.org.uk

> https://mailman.lug.org.uk/mailman/listinfo/chester



--

Dr David Holden. (dh at iucr.org)



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