[dundee] If Operating Systems Were Airlines.
Andrew Clayton
andrew at digital-domain.net
Fri Aug 3 20:37:59 BST 2007
On Fri, 3 Aug 2007 17:19:53 +0100, azmodie wrote:
Good stuff, and here's the gun one, originally from USENET
Jeff Hatch <jhatch at netlink.co.nz> writes:
> Here's a simple test to see what operating system you should use.
> Take a gun, point it at your ear, and pull the trigger. Here;s how
> to interpret results:
>
> 1.) Your still alive and unigered, beacouse you were inteligent
> enough to either not pull the trigger or aim away from you. Hmm.
> Your inteligent, so your n obvious Windows NT user
>
> 2.) Your still alive an uningered, beacouse you tried to shoot
> yourself and missed. Sigh... You are obviously a DOS user. No way
> are you going to cope with any sort of menuing system (double cick
> here, right click there), if you cant even shoot yourself in the HEAD!
>
> 3.) Your still aalive, but injured, beacouse although you hit
> yourself in the head, you are so tough you survived. Well, although
> you seem to be rather stupid to actuallly try and shoot yourself, yet
> with that constitution... Must use Win95, 'couse to do so you need
> to be stupid, yet have a constitution that will survive the endless
> banging of your head against the wall and the 57th consecutive blue
> death error screen.
>
> 4.) Your lying on the floor, dead. Ouch, what a lame0 LOOOOOSER.
> You obviously have fewer brain cells than the average USA sucks
> poster. Get a mac.
5) Nothing happened! While continuing to brag about your gun,
you realize the gun has no bullets because this model, though
very state of the art, has no 3rd party support...and
no manufacturer has produced any ammunition for it. You spend
the remainder of your days in an insane asylum, zealously
insisting that there are really thousands of types of ammunition
available and that everyone is actually using your type of
weapon. Eventually, you go reluctantly into that good night with
a cheap, powerful, and widely used weapon from Micromunitions...
Obviously, you must be an OS/2 user...
6) Your $40,000 handgun fires 6000 rounds in rapid succession...
somehow they all miss you... but one kills your boss. Looking at
the gun, you see it doesn't look like the guns most people use
and it's covered with crytic switches and two letter abbreviations.
Since you've expended all your ammo and still haven't finished
the job, you go to your local store for more ammo. The store
carries thousands of brands and types of ammo, but none works
with your gun. So you call the manufacturer and he offers to
sell you another 6000 rounds for $10/round and charge you $150/hour
to install the ammo in your gun. Still not willing to give up,
you talk to gnu-munitions. The give you a bag of powder, two lead
balls and a piece of flint --- for FREE! However, since they
offer no support, you don't know how to use them. Undaunted, you
try to jam the lead ball in the end of your gun --- it
doesn't fit; but the effort destroys the rifling in the
barrel.
Apparently you are a unix user....
> Sorry if I've offended anybody--this should be taken in the spirit it
> was given. Several miles of the madness horizon and accelerating :/>
ditto
-- John
X-NEWS: river.tay.ac.uk comp.os.linux.networking: 12393
Relay-Version: ANU News - V6.1B10 01/05/95 OpenVMS AXP V6.1; site
zippy.dct.ac.uk Path:
zippy.dct.ac.uk!uknet!usenet1.news.uk.psi.net!uknet!EU.net!sun4nl!surfnet.nl!howland.reston.ans.net!nntp.crl.com!crl6.crl.com!not-for-mail
Newsgroups:
comp.os.ms-windows.win95.setup,comp.os.linux.misc,comp.os.linux.networking,comp.os.ms-windows.programmer.misc,comp.os.ms-windows.win95.misc,comp.os.ms-windows.win95.setup,comp.os.os2.advocacy,alt.flame,comp.security.misc,soc.men,alt.2600,comp.
sys.ibm.pc.games.action,alt.games.duke3d,comp.sys.ibm.pc.games.strategic,comp.sys.ibm.pc.hardware.misc,comp.sys.intel,comp.sys.laptops,comp.sys.mac.system,comp.sys.powerpc,alt.folklore.computers
Subject: Re: If you tried to commit suidcide with an OS (ie re: Windows
95 on old 386 notebook: pros and cons ?) Message-ID:
<4q9br8$k2l at crl6.crl.com> From: jawells at crl.com (Jason A. Wells) Date:
19 Jun 1996 10:02:32 -0700 References: <4q96vm$hoe at legba.synergy.net>
Organization: CRL Dialup Internet Access
NNTP-Posting-Host: crl6.crl.com
Lines: 33
Xref: zippy.dct.ac.uk comp.os.ms-windows.win95.setup:18825
comp.os.linux.misc:22744 comp.os.linux.networking:12393
comp.os.ms-windows.programmer.misc:10082
comp.os.ms-windows.win95.misc:44280 comp.os.os2.advocacy:34631
alt.flame:32081 comp.security.misc:3761 soc.men:25669 alt.2600:27893
comp.sys.ibm.pc.games.action:19465
comp.sys.ibm.pc.games.strategic:29576
comp.sys.ibm.pc.hardware.misc:11815 comp.sys.intel:15073
comp.sys.laptops:12011 comp.sys.mac.system:27497 comp.sys.powerpc:8288
alt.folklore.computers:10457
John Weeder <johnw at omaha.abii.com> writes:
>6) Your $40,000 handgun fires 6000 rounds in rapid succession...
>somehow they all miss you... but one kills your boss. Looking at
>the gun, you see it doesn't look like the guns most people use
>and it's covered with crytic switches and two letter abbreviations.
>Since you've expended all your ammo and still haven't finished
>the job, you go to your local store for more ammo. The store
>carries thousands of brands and types of ammo, but none works
>with your gun. So you call the manufacturer and he offers to
>sell you another 6000 rounds for $10/round and charge you $150/hour
>to install the ammo in your gun. Still not willing to give up,
>you talk to gnu-munitions. The give you a bag of powder, two lead
>balls and a piece of flint --- for FREE! However, since they
>offer no support, you don't know how to use them. Undaunted, you
>try to jam the lead ball in the end of your gun --- it
>doesn't fit; but the effort destroys the rifling in the
>barrel.
>Apparently you are a unix user....
(7) You manage not to kill yourself with one of the most expensive
handguns on the market. Looking at your gun, you notice that
it has to be the most beautiful weapon you've ever seen. On the
side of the gun is written "NextHandguns."
(8) As you are about to shoot yourself, the trigger freezes into
location and refuses to respond. A moment later, a little flag reading
"GPF" pops out of the barrel. You are obviously a Windows 3.11 user.
--jason
--
J. Aubrey Wells (jawells at crl.com) ** Ceci n'est ce pas une signature.
Information Superhighway^W^WIt's the Internet, Stupid.
X-NEWS: river.tay.ac.uk comp.os.linux.networking: 12430
Relay-Version: ANU News - V6.1B10 01/05/95 OpenVMS AXP V6.1; site
zippy.dct.ac.uk Path:
zippy.dct.ac.uk!yama.mcc.ac.uk!news.salford.ac.uk!aber!bath.ac.uk!bsmail!warwick!tank.news.pipex.net!pipex!oleane!jussieu.fr!math.ohio-state.edu!howland.reston.ans.net!newsfeed.internetmci.com!newsfeeder.gi.net!news.mid.net!news.creighton.edu!blueja
y.creighton.edu!honge Newsgroups:
comp.os.ms-windows.win95.setup,comp.os.linux.misc,comp.os.linux.networking,comp.os.ms-windows.programmer.misc,comp.os.ms-windows.win95.misc,comp.os.ms-windows.win95.setup,comp.os.os2.advocacy,comp.security.misc,soc.men,comp.sys.ibm.pc.games.ac
tion,comp.sys.ibm.pc.games.strategic,comp.sys.ibm.pc.hardware.misc,comp.sys.intel,comp.sys.laptops,comp.sys.mac.system,comp.sys.powerpc
Subject: Re: If you tried to commit suidcide with an OS (ie re: Windows
95 on old 386 notebook: pros and cons ?) Message-ID:
<Pine.HPP.3.93.960619191011.13323D-100000 at bluejay.creighton.edu> From:
Psycho Bob <honge at creighton.edu> Date: Wed, 19 Jun 1996 19:29:10 -0500
References: <4q96vm$hoe at legba.synergy.net> <4q9br8$k2l at crl6.crl.com>
<31C80061.7E0D at msmail2.hac.com>
Organization: Creighton University, Omaha Nebraska USA
NNTP-Posting-Host: bluejay-nfs.creighton.edu
Mime-Version: 1.0
Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII
In-Reply-To: <31C80061.7E0D at msmail2.hac.com>
Lines: 40
Xref: zippy.dct.ac.uk comp.os.ms-windows.win95.setup:18879
comp.os.linux.misc:22800 comp.os.linux.networking:12430
comp.os.ms-windows.programmer.misc:10116
comp.os.ms-windows.win95.misc:44401 comp.os.os2.advocacy:34718
comp.security.misc:3781 soc.men:25765
comp.sys.ibm.pc.games.action:19523
comp.sys.ibm.pc.games.strategic:29660
comp.sys.ibm.pc.hardware.misc:11866 comp.sys.intel:15139
comp.sys.laptops:12047 comp.sys.mac.system:27566 comp.sys.powerpc:8306
> > (8) As you are about to shoot yourself, the trigger freezes into
> > location and refuses to respond. A moment later, a little flag
> > reading "GPF" pops out of the barrel. You are obviously a Windows
> > 3.11 user.
> (9) You mount the gun on a tripod, pull the trigger, go to the
> refrigerator and make yourself a 7 course last meal. You eat the
> meal, walk back to the gun, and out comes a bullet at about 3 feet
> per second. You are clearly an Apple ][ user.
(10) You bought this $65,000 gun and brings it home. You try to mount it
on your ol' trusty tripod, but for some reason the connectors are too
different. You go out and search for an adaptor, and after agonizing
search finally found one -- but the adaptor was for the older model of
the gun. It works, but the gun is somewhat wabbly on the tripod.
You proceed to aim it at your head and pulled the trigger. After several
seconds of nothingness, a little flag pops out of barrel notifying you
need ammos. The search for ammos was actually harder than the $45,000
competing gun which is rumored to have the worse ammo-compatibility. But
at least you found few, and proceeded to load the gun.
When you pulled the trigger second time, a flag popped out again. This
time, it says it needs more distance between the gun and the target. You
moved away from the gun -- of course, doing so, you also need remote
trigger cable which was rare and cost $$$. You pulled the trigger again
-- and out comes another damned flag. It says the target area has to be
bigger -- in fact, MUCH bigger. You go out and buy an
"active-detonating" helmet in which cost big $$$.
You pulled the trigger the final time. The gun actually worked -- and
everything went without a hitch. The bullet come out of barrel, at 0.4
meter per second, straight to you. You waited for the bullet to come,
and actually found time for a coffee break. The bullet strikes the
helmet, in which the explosion of the helmet kills you. People wonder
at your dedication and questions your intelligence (in lowly opinion)
to get the gun working. You're obviously a WinNT user.
(Sorry to alt.* groups -- I couldn't cross-post to those groups because
my local campus newsserver does not carry that hierarchy...)
X-NEWS: river.tay.ac.uk comp.os.linux.networking: 12447
Relay-Version: ANU News - V6.1B10 01/05/95 OpenVMS AXP V6.1; site
zippy.dct.ac.uk Path:
zippy.dct.ac.uk!yama.mcc.ac.uk!news.salford.ac.uk!aber!bath.ac.uk!bsmail!warwick!tank.news.pipex.net!pipex!news.mathworks.com!nntp.primenet.com!news.primenet.com!ip204.sna.primenet.com!user
Newsgroups:
comp.os.ms-windows.win95.setup,comp.os.linux.misc,comp.os.linux.networking,comp.os.ms-windows.programmer.misc,comp.os.ms-windows.win95.misc,comp.os.ms-windows.win95.setup,comp.os.os2.advocacy,comp.security.misc,soc.men,comp.sys.ibm.pc.games.ac
tion,comp.sys.ibm.pc.games.strategic,comp.sys.ibm.pc.hardware.misc,comp.sys.intel,comp.sys.laptops,comp.sys.mac.system,comp.sys.powerpc
Subject: Re: If you tried to commit suidcide with an OS (ie re: Windows
95 on old 386 notebook: pros and cons ?) Message-ID:
<mh-1906962040280001 at ip204.sna.primenet.com> From: mh at primenet.com
(Mark Hartman) Date: 19 Jun 1996 20:41:03 -0700 References:
<4q96vm$hoe at legba.synergy.net> <4q9br8$k2l at crl6.crl.com>
<31C80061.7E0D at msmail2.hac.com>
<Pine.HPP.3.93.960619191011.13323D-100000 at bluejay.creighton.edu>
Organization: Mark Hartman Computer Solutions X-Posted-By:
ip204.sna.primenet.com Lines: 52
Xref: zippy.dct.ac.uk comp.os.ms-windows.win95.setup:18898
comp.os.linux.misc:22816 comp.os.linux.networking:12447
comp.os.ms-windows.programmer.misc:10126
comp.os.ms-windows.win95.misc:44453 comp.os.os2.advocacy:34759
comp.security.misc:3789 soc.men:25806
comp.sys.ibm.pc.games.action:19544
comp.sys.ibm.pc.games.strategic:29690
comp.sys.ibm.pc.hardware.misc:11882 comp.sys.intel:15157
comp.sys.laptops:12065 comp.sys.mac.system:27595 comp.sys.powerpc:8316
In article
<Pine.HPP.3.93.960619191011.13323D-100000 at bluejay.creighton.edu>, Psycho
Bob <honge at creighton.edu> wrote:
>> > (8) As you are about to shoot yourself, the trigger freezes into
>> > location and refuses to respond. A moment later, a little flag
>> > reading "GPF" pops out of the barrel. You are obviously a Windows
>> > 3.11 user.
>
>> (9) You mount the gun on a tripod, pull the trigger, go to the
>> refrigerator and make yourself a 7 course last meal. You eat the
>> meal, walk back to the gun, and out comes a bullet at about 3 feet
>> per second. You are clearly an Apple ][ user.
>
>(10) You bought this $65,000 gun and brings it home. You try to mount
>it on your ol' trusty tripod, but for some reason the connectors are
>too different. You go out and search for an adaptor, and after
>agonizing search finally found one -- but the adaptor was for the
>older model of the gun. It works, but the gun is somewhat wabbly on
>the tripod.
>
>You proceed to aim it at your head and pulled the trigger. After
>several seconds of nothingness, a little flag pops out of barrel
>notifying you need ammos. The search for ammos was actually harder
>than the $45,000 competing gun which is rumored to have the worse
>ammo-compatibility. But at least you found few, and proceeded to load
>the gun.
>
>When you pulled the trigger second time, a flag popped out again. This
>time, it says it needs more distance between the gun and the target.
>You moved away from the gun -- of course, doing so, you also need
>remote trigger cable which was rare and cost $$$. You pulled the
>trigger again -- and out comes another damned flag. It says the target
>area has to be bigger -- in fact, MUCH bigger. You go out and buy an
>"active-detonating" helmet in which cost big $$$.
>
>You pulled the trigger the final time. The gun actually worked -- and
>everything went without a hitch. The bullet come out of barrel, at 0.4
>meter per second, straight to you. You waited for the bullet to come,
>and actually found time for a coffee break. The bullet strikes the
>helmet, in which the explosion of the helmet kills you. People wonder
>at your dedication and questions your intelligence (in lowly opinion)
>to get the gun working. You're obviously a WinNT user.
(11) You bought a rather expensive gun, but you notice it has no
trigger. Instead it has an area for you to write in. You write "shoot
me" and wait; the gun instead produces a room-temperature glass of
liquor. You glance at the screen and discover that the gun thinks that
you have written "scotch up." You're obviously a Newton user - who
needs to upgrade to 2.0.
======================================================================
Mark Hartman Computer Solutions - specializing in all things Macintosh
C C++ 4th Dimension Networking System design/architecture tel
+1(714)758.0640 -+- fax +1(714)999.5030 -+- e-mail mh at primenet.com
======================================================================
Did you know that Win95 sold barely HALF of its sales forecast?
X-NEWS: river.tay.ac.uk comp.os.linux.networking: 12599
Relay-Version: ANU News - V6.1B10 01/05/95 OpenVMS AXP V6.1; site
zippy.dct.ac.uk Path:
zippy.dct.ac.uk!yama.mcc.ac.uk!news.salford.ac.uk!aber!bath.ac.uk!morse.ukonline.co.uk!news.tcom.co.uk!uunet!in2.uu.net!world!cajjy
Newsgroups:
comp.os.ms-windows.win95.setup,comp.os.linux.misc,comp.os.linux.networking,comp.os.ms-windows.programmer.misc,comp.os.ms-windows.win95.misc,comp.os.ms-windows.win95.setup,comp.os.os2.advocacy,alt.flame,comp.security.misc,soc.men,alt.2600,comp.
sys.ibm.pc.games.action,alt.games.duke3d,comp.sys.ibm.pc.games.strategic,comp.sys.ibm.pc.hardware.misc,comp.sys.intel,comp.sys.laptops,comp.sys.mac.system,comp.sys.powerpc,alt.folklore.computers
Subject: Re: If you tried to commit suidcide with an OS (ie re: Windows
95 on old 386 notebook: pros and cons ?) Message-ID:
<DtC7KH.Az9 at world.std.com> From: cajjy at world.std.com (Xcott Craver)
Date: Fri, 21 Jun 1996 06:33:53 GMT References:
<4q96vm$hoe at legba.synergy.net> <4q9br8$k2l at crl6.crl.com>
<31C80061.7E0D at msmail2.hac.com> Organization: The World, Public Access
Internet, Brookline, MA Lines: 40
Xref: zippy.dct.ac.uk comp.os.ms-windows.win95.setup:19135
comp.os.linux.misc:23084 comp.os.linux.networking:12599
comp.os.ms-windows.programmer.misc:10246
comp.os.ms-windows.win95.misc:44941 comp.os.os2.advocacy:35032
alt.flame:32537 comp.security.misc:3851 soc.men:26118 alt.2600:28443
comp.sys.ibm.pc.games.action:19835
comp.sys.ibm.pc.games.strategic:29969
comp.sys.ibm.pc.hardware.misc:12040 comp.sys.intel:15338
comp.sys.laptops:12228 comp.sys.mac.system:27846 comp.sys.powerpc:8383
alt.folklore.computers:10688
Kirk Kohnen <kkohnen at msmail2.hac.com> wrote:
> (9) You mount the gun on a tripod, pull the trigger, go to the
> refrigerator and make yourself a 7 course last meal. You eat the
> meal, walk back to the gun, and out comes a bullet at about 3 feet
> per second. You are clearly an Apple ][ user.
(10) You blow off your head twice as efficiently because you are using
A double-barreled shotgun. What few chunks of grey matter you
have left, spattering the walls like engorged slugs, are thinking, "man,
what responsiveness!" A tiny robot arm attached to your shotgun's
geek-port cleans up the mess. You are obviously a BeOS user.
(11) You have a large blue cannon that can shoot through schools. You
must provide it with detailed instructions in ALL CAPS about
precisely how you want to be shot. Before each separate step in
the blowing-your-brains-out job, you must take a knife and slash
your throat TWICE. You are obviously, well, YOU FIGURE IT OUT.
(12) Gun the you bullets in put, trigger the you pull, and brains your
out you blow. you obviously a user FORTH are.
(13) You reach through the fourth dimension into someone else's gun-
rack, pull a rifle off the wall, and proceed to install it in
your living room. You have full access to the gun, but give all
your friends accounts so they can shoot you too. You install the
bullets once you figure out the exact barrel dimensions, and
pull the trigger. But you forgot to give the trigger execute
permissions! So you chmod the trigger, pull it again, and it
doesn't recognize half of the gun because you're using the wrong
shells. Enraged, you throw the gun to the ground, whereupon it
promptly explodes and engulfs you in a fiery blaze,
inconveniencing everyone else using the gun at the time. You are
obviously a linux user.
,oooooooo8 o ooooo at math.niu.edu --
http://www.math.niu.edu/~caj/ o888' `88 ,888.
888 888 ,8'`88. 888 "If I am more nearsighted than
others, 888o. ,oo ,8oooo88. 888 it is because I have stood on
the `888oooo88 o88o o888o 888 shoulders of midgets."
____________________8o888'____ (Issac Newton's evil twin brother Spike)
___
More information about the dundee
mailing list