[Gllug] [OT] Culinary excellence

[John Hearns]

This year has of course seen the rise of the celebrity chef -
your Anthony Worral Thompson, your Jamie Oliver, your Nigella Lawson.
They have brought to the British public an appreciation of fine,
healthy foods, herbs and the Mediterranean diet.

But forget that. How about the Glaswegian diet?
With only two days to go till the big event, high time the Home Counties
learned about the proper foods and drinks for New Year.

Hogmanay Menu Tips
==============================

The New Year, or 'Hogmanay' in the local idiom is the most important culinary event in the Glaswegian calendar.
Forget your Burns Night, with all its ceremony and stabbing of poor warm-reeking puddings,
for it is only at Hogmanay that the true pleasures of the Glaswegian diet can be appreciated.


Food
----
The chief food item on Ne'erday (New Years Day) is of course the steak pie.
The Bells factory goes into overdrive during the latter half of the year to
supply the West of Scotlands insatiable demand for pies.
There is no other subject of conversation early on Hogmanay morning than:
"Where are we getting the steak pie from?",
"Oh my Goad, Jessie, there are nae pies left down the butchers!"
and "Haud yer wheesht, man. I ordered the jumbo size from McGilligans six
months ago, and the weans have been using it as a trampoline ever since"

The wise family orders their pie from a friendly traditional butcher months in
advance. This allows the lady of the house to sport a smug grin as she waltzes
(well, staggers) from the shop past the queue of saps who haven't ordered theirs.
Oh, and if you haven't a family, order a family sized pie anyway. You know it makes 
sense.

On the big evening itself, the main nutritional criterion for the meal should be
the proportion of fat, and its ability to soak up alcohol later on.
So how about a mutton pie and chips? 
Or a cheeky wee black pudding and chips?
Or be daring and continental and go with an al-fresco pizza. And chips.
For the stalwart traditionalist I suppose mince and tatties is the choice here,
but I find its consistency insufficient later on in the evening for a truly memorable 
big spit in the gutter. 

Drink
-----

A wee drink never did anyone any harm. 
So it follows that a big swally will dae ye the world of good.
So get it down your neck man.
If you haven't already discovered it, a bottle of Buckfast Tonic Wine is an excellent aperitif.
And its a tonic, isn't it, so it must be doing you good. And they monks know a thing or two, eh?

There is no worse social gaffe in Glasgow than to have no alcoholic drink to offer
visitors at Hogmanay. So make sure there is plenty of drink in the house. 
After all, we might have company. Or there might be first-footers. 
Though it's not like it was when I was wee, Oh No. I remember when.....

For dancing in George Square, one slab of Tennents Superlager should suffice. Or two.
A wee nip whisky will help keep the cold out later on, so maybe a litre bottle there
then.
And for the big event of the evening, The Bells, well who cares?
By this stage you will be happily swigging the BelAir hairspray, or joining the
jakies for some MadDog 20-20.

First Footing Food
------------------
When going first footing, it is essential to have drink (see above).
I'm told whisky is the beverage of choice in country areas.
However in Glasgow the only drink is a can of Tennents lager, so that you can
indulge in long reminiscences with your host concerning the various merits of
the Lager Lovelies.

The second component is fuel. Again in Teuchterland I'm told peat is de rigeur.
But in urban Glasgow coal is the thing. But where in the hell do you
actually get coal in these centrally heated days? Beats me, pal.
So don't bother with that nonsense. And whit burd is gonnae snuggle up to
you for a wee warming nip o' yer coal?

The third thing is of course the Black Bun.
Black Bun is a speciality food, which the supermarkets stock up on in the weeks
leading up to Hogmanay, specifically for the purposes of first footing.
No-one has ever actually eaten this, and its a bit of a mystery what it is
composed of.
Rumour has it that your Granny actually ate black bun when she was a lassie.
Or so she says - these auld yins have a wicked sense of humour and she would
wet herself with laughter to see you break a tooth on this stuff.


The Day After
-------------
Shudder. Just pull the blankets/overcoat/tarpaulin over your head and wish it
would all go away. 
Then try to figure out just why you are lying under a tarpaulin. In a skip.

Barrs Irn Bru is truly the nectar of the Gods on the morning after.
There is no other sure-fire cure for a hangover. The sugar rush should be enough
to kick-start the metabolism enough to get you down the boozer for a very necessary
hair of the dog.
In desperate cases, combine Irn Bru with Andrews Liver Salts, but be careful as this
cheeky wee concoction can fizz up alarmingly, so put it in tall glasses.




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