[Gllug] [OT] Jokes

[Dan Kolb]

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On Monday 18 Feb 2002 11:23 am, John Hearns wrote:
> We need some jokes.

Three blondes walk into a bar. The fourth one ducks.

Two fish sitting in a tank. One says to the other "Do you know how to drive 
this thing?"

Two birds are sitting on a perch. One says to the other "Do you smell 
something fishy?"

One day, a tall man in a cowboy hat walks into a bar. The bartender says, 
"What is this? Some kind of joke?"

Two vultures boarded an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The 
stewardess looked at them and said, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion 
per passenger is allowed."

The time is the present; the location is the United States. And the Lord 
spoke to Noah, saying, "Noah, in one year, I will again cover the Earth with 
water until all is destroyed. But first, I want you to save the righteous 
people and two of each of my living creatures. I hereby command you: 'Build 
an Ark.'" In a flash of lightning, God delivered the Ark's specifications. 
Noah agreed. "Remember, Noah," said the Lord, "You have one year!" Exactly 
one year later, the sky darkened, the clouds formed, the wind blew, the rains 
began, and the Lord returned... to find Noah weeping in his front yard near a 
small pile of lumber. "Noah! Where's my Ark?" "Forgive me, Lord. I have 
failed you. I tried my best, but I have had such problems! First, I needed a 
construction permit. Then, since your plans weren't up to code, I had to hire 
an engineering firm to redraw them. Then OSHA claimed it needed fire 
sprinklers. The Coast Guard insisted upon adequate floatation devices. Then 
my neighbors objected, claiming I was in violation of local zoning 
ordinances, so I had to apply for a variance from the city planning 
commission. Then I couldn't get enough lumber because of the ban on logging 
to protect the spotted owl. I finally convinced the Forest Service that I 
needed the lumber to save all the owls, but then the Fish and Wildlife 
Service wouldn't let me catch any owls. Then my carpenters said I was driving 
them too hard; they formed a union and went on strike. I eventually 
negotiated a settlement with the National Labor Union, if I would take 
sixteen carpenters on the Ark. When I started rounding up the animals, I got 
slapped with a lawsuit by an animal rights group that objected to me only 
taking two of each kind aboard. Then the EPA told me that I had to file an 
environmental impact statement on your proposed flood, even though I told 
them that they had no jurisdiction over the Creator of the universe. Then the 
Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain, so I 
handed them a globe. Then I received a complaint from the Equal Employment 
Opportunity Commission accusing me of discrimination because I didn't plan to 
include any godless unbelievers on the Ark! The IRS seized all my assets, 
claiming that I was only building the Ark to flee the country to avoid paying 
taxes. Then I got a notice from the state that I owed user fees, a notice 
from the DMV that I hadn't registered the Ark as a recreational watercraft, 
and the Small Business Administration called my construction loan. The 
American Civil Liberties Union got an injunction against further 
construction, reasoning that You flooding the earth is a religious event and 
therefore unconstitutional. I'm never going to be able to finish your Ark, 
Lord!" The sky cleared, the sun shone, the seas calmed, and a rainbow arched 
across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully. "Does this mean you're not going to 
destroy the world?" "Yes," said the Lord sadly. "I don't have to. The 
government already has!"

- -- 
Mother is far too clever to understand anything she does not like.
		-- Arnold Bennett

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