[Wolves] New employment rules

Peter Cannon peter at cannon-linux.co.uk
Tue Mar 28 12:29:58 BST 2006


Company Policy: Effective from January 2006

Dress Code
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we 
see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing 
well financially and therefore do not need raise. If you dress poorly, you 
need to learn to manage your money better, so that you buy nicer clothes, and 
therefore you do not  need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right 
where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctors statement as proof of sickness. If you are 
able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Annual Leave Days
Each employee will receive 104Annual Leave days a year. They are
called Saturday & Sunday.

Bereavement Leave
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead 
friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have 
non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee 
involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late 
afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and 
subsequently leave one hour early.

Toilet Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict 
three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm 
will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and 
a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be 
posted on the company bulletin board under the Chronic offenders category. 
Anyone caught smiling  in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's 
mental health policy.

Lunch Break
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more,  so that 
they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a 
balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes 
for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive 
employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, 
complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, 
allegations, accusations, contemplation's, consternation and input should be 
directed elsewhere.

The Management

Peter Cannon
FC5 & SuSE10
Jabber:highwayman.turpin at gmail.com

"There is every excuse for not knowing
 There is no excuse for not asking"

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