[Wolves] New employment rules

[Kevanf1]

On 28/03/06, Peter Cannon <peter at cannon-linux.co.uk> wrote:
> VERY IMPORTANT NOTICE TO ALL EMPLOYEES
>
> Company Policy: Effective from January 2006
>
> Dress Code
> It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we
> see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing
> well financially and therefore do not need raise. If you dress poorly, you
> need to learn to manage your money better, so that you buy nicer clothes, and
> therefore you do not  need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right
> where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
>
> Sick Days
> We will no longer accept a doctors statement as proof of sickness. If you are
> able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
>
> Annual Leave Days
> Each employee will receive 104Annual Leave days a year. They are
> called Saturday & Sunday.
>
> Bereavement Leave
> This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead
> friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have
> non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee
> involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late
> afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and
> subsequently leave one hour early.
>
> Toilet Use
> Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict
> three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm
> will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and
> a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be
> posted on the company bulletin board under the Chronic offenders category.
> Anyone caught smiling  in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's
> mental health policy.
>
> Lunch Break
> Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more,  so that
> they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a
> balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes
> for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
>
> Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive
> employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns,
> complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
> allegations, accusations, contemplation's, consternation and input should be
> directed elsewhere.
>
> The Management
>
> --

Sounds more like an edict from Phony Tony and the boys in London.
--
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Kevan Farmer

Linux user #373362

Cheslyn Hay
Staffordshire
WS6 7HR